I am not happy with myself with what I have done.
I will always carry the burden for contacting Vince to inform him that you were cheating on him with me. I lied to you about it because I wanted to make sure that if you really were not that involved with him in a relationship as you said, then nothing serious would arise about it. I tested that theory, because I wanted us to be as we talked about extensively. Together.
I figured recording us was meant to show to him that you was not taking any more of his shit and as a way to say “Fuck you” to him. I thought that was your revenge. Probably would not have minded if you had informed me in the beginning that getting back at him was your motive, instead of later. I would not have been as disappointed. Now you are kicked out of his house, supposedly. Seeing you increasingly more angered as you accused me of alerting him, told me you were still in love with Vince, perhaps actually still together with him. That those moments you and I were together, intimately sharing our thoughts and developing deep feelings was all just a blindfold to hide your true intentions. Therefore, I confessed to you that I alerted him. Did it because I saw it in your eyes during that brief moment you finally looked me in the eyes that you chose him over me.
However, I do regret exposing your infidelity to Vince as he became hateful towards his own daughter by disowning her. Saying to her that he was not her father. I had no idea he was going to react in such an awful way that he would disown his own daughter like that. When I heard that, I broke down and cried. Not because of what he said to Lexi, but because I caused it to happen. I feel so low for what I have done. Nothing I can say and nothing I can do can change the way you feel about me now.
I will cherish the memories of our time together in those eight months. You made me feel alive for the first time in years in the beginning of our relationship. I had a newfound love and respect for life and wanted to celebrate each waking hour of it with you. For that, I thank you. I did what I did because I wanted you to myself. It killed when you went home to him every night. I could not hold you in my arms those nights; I kept imagining him holding you instead. I became love-drunk and became selfish in wanting you away from him so I could have you. I never stopped to think on how the outcome was going to be until it was too late. I destroyed everything for you… and us. I became like a stone, yet empty inside. As though lost in my own prison, locked away for what I had done. I am truly sorry for what I have done. I loved you so much that I became jealous and desperate in taking you away from him because I was led to believe that is what you wanted me to do. To take you out of an unhealthy relationship and bring you into a relationship you needed.
Now I have destroyed my chances of having a life with you in the process. You were so special to me and I did not want to lose you. My stupidity, once again, has destroyed someone else’s world. I am doomed to be remorseful and condemned back to my isolated life that you found me. All those days we had in Care training. Me sitting in class all reserved and mysterious to the women. Rejecting some that made advances to me (Ava).You, Pamela, I secretly wanted you. Every day, I looked for you to arrive. Saved a seat for you at some times, but damn Juan would intervene and take your seat instead. Then Tech training began. You casually came and sat next to me. I was weak and nervous. Mind raced as my words stumbled from my lips with a “hello”. However, the word came out as “schmello”.
I was nervous ever since then until I got the courage to exchange phone numbers with you.
With a spring in my step, I went home feeling happy. A feeling I have not felt for almost 2 years.
Happy… Because all those times we were in those classes, I have wanted to know you. Just was too low in myself to get the courage to do so I guess.
What I said above is a realization that even though I did what I did because I loved you so much and wanted all of you in my life, it was you that began avoiding me with no explanation shortly before. Is it a crime to be selfish and want only you in my life? To NOT share you with Vince who, since you and I both know, was not right for you. He did not care about you, he cheated on YOU!
Granted, the outcome was not what I had wanted to happen. However, it happened. It tore me up how it ended with you two. Or did it? It is my fault too. I lied about being involved because I was scared to death of losing you. However, my fear came out as anger. Anger towards myself for what happened. In addition, it reflected onto you as I tried in walking away and it made you hate me. Yes, I fucked up and it is too late. You do not trust me, because I snitched on you for cheating on him with me. For that, again, I am sorry.
The night you promised to be with me on my birthday.
A day I will remember that you no longer loved me. Honestly, that night was when you went to talk shit out with Vince. You could not keep your story straight about which city you had to drive that night. Bullshit how you lied to me about that. On my birthday, even!
I know you never want to see me again. Just do not understand why you chose him over me. I know you are working on getting back with him. It is obvious as you protected him from my attempts on furthering to communicate with him. Even as much as you logging into his social media profiles and blocking me before he even knew who I was. Even when I mentioned on beating the crap out of him for wrapping his hands around your neck and choking you in front of your daughter Lexi that one night you went to him to talk shit out. You should have filed domestic violence charges on him. However, you did not. That is cool, he now believes he has control over you and will possibly do it again.
I am not worthy in your eyes anymore so it does not matter nor worth fighting for you anymore. You gave up on me long ago, anyways. Admit it. You became untrustworthy. In addition, you sought revenge by being unfaithful to him. To make him feel as he made you feel when he cheated on you. You both are like children doing to each other what you did. Nevertheless, no matter what… you are both damned on continuing on cheating on each other, so might as well get used to it. You will never know when he cheats on you…and he will never know when you cheat on him. You two play a sad game.
Now on to some more serious matters….
I still love you, but it hurts in doing so because you made it apparent that your life sucks right now because of me. Nevertheless, I am done chasing you. Pursuing you was all I have done since our time in training classes. Not to mention, I was the “go to” person that gave all the answers in class. Even with your customer calls, I was there to answer your questions. Fuck, I did so much for you at work! Work would have been a lot more complicated if it was not for me bailing you out when your laptop would not work correctly. Unfortunately, I have grown tired and lost my strength in this fight for you.
What I went through and how I reacted towards you was not as bad from how you reacted to Vince, back in 2018. You know exactly what I am referring to when you were violently accusing Vince of “dropping his sac off at some nasty ass bitch’s house”. Therefore, you know what I am going through. Unfortunately, there is no compassion from you…You are now acting out towards me how Vince acted out on you in 2018. Was all of that necessary?
Nothing will ever amount to what could have been with you and me as everything you dreamed of having in a relationship was within your grasp and you was too blinded by revenge. You will never know a good solid relationship as your history of men that cheat on you, abuse you and look down on you will continue to play a role in your life. I wanted to be your escape from all that shit as I will never cheat abuse or even look down on you. What is so hard for you in comprehending all of this?
Why couldn’t we have stopped hurting each other and began in helping each other?
Our history in past relationships are almost identical. We both have been extremely hurt and scarred. Just as you have felt the hurt I went through that same year, we both had that feeling of hopelessness at the same time as we battled and fought to regain our self-worth when the significant other distanced himself or herself in a cruel and heartless way. The hurt and pain you suffered that year was my suffering as well.
Only, now, you continue with that pain two years later, as you go back to Vince. You have no choice, now. He is the father of your child. He gives you shelter in his parent’s home. He keeps you at bay as he goes on about his life only for himself. Who knows, one day he may decide that he is tired of you and kick you out one last time. For good. He is still young and may want another woman without kids. A woman that will not hold him down from enjoying what he wants to do. Guys are like that. That is something you cannot change in a person. You can try, but as you already know, it creates bullshit.
I loved you, for who you were and I accepted you for what you meant…to me.
Can you find anyone else that is able to express this to you and actually mean it as I can? You were my soulmate that I have been searching for all my life. Just as you had told me, the same…do not kid yourself and deny it. Now it is too late. Because this is the reality of it all that is between us now. You never had a good relationship where there was no pain and hurt. You are a broken person who grew up in a broken home. You never had the loving upbringing from a father and all your relationships were with men that mentally and abusively hurt you. That kind of upbringing is all you know in your life. It is quite understandable now that is why you went back to Vincent. You are settling for whatever lifestyle that you can get as long as that lifestyle provides a sense of involvement for you and your children, no matter the consequences and the abuse that entails..
I am not happy with myself, in meeting you in the first place. I cannot love someone that has gone as far as to file false allegations at work out of retaliation in their boyfriend finding they were cheated on. You brought personal matters into the work environment, which was totally unnecessary in order to seek revenge. This is by far, the lowest anyone can do to someone. You have risked having us both fired now. Look it up. Just for the reason that Vince kicked you out onto the streets and I wouldn’t take you back in, you became vengeful towards me. Why? After you swore you would never do anything to hurt me. I trusted you, Pamela. This was never my problem….it was yours.